Friends

[cheapdiva]

The post on what makes an ideal cottage got me thinking about what makes an ideal friend. There were some comments about men, husbands in particular, but having been divorced myself, my girlfriends were the constant in my life. So what makes a good friend to all of you?

Here's what I look for:

someone with a brain who isn't afraid to use it or show it - especially when men are around. I hate the whole "silly me, I'm just a girl" kind of woman. I want someone I can talk politics with - and maybe not agree but appreciate the other person's opinions and respect them, someone I can call and say "let's do a chick flick or go shopping", someone who KNOWS when things aren't right with me and jumps in to help, someone that is willing to let me do the same for them and they must, must, must have a terrific sense of humor. All the better if it is a bit on the dry side.

I am fortunate that I have a great core group of friends that are just like this. And many of you also fall into that category.

So what matters to you?

[Chyna]

A sense of loyalty. If you are my friend you are my friend forever and I'll defend you no matter what. Someone who is confident in themselves to tell their other friends "hey I like her" and not pretend to go with the pack. (that's a tough one apparently) A brain is good, a sense of fun and the willingness to be goofy sometimes but also the ability to be serious, has to love animals (dogs a plus, even a must). To appreciate the joy that doing something gives others, you don't have to like painting or decorating but appreciating that is key. I sit and listen to you talk about scrapbooking and am interested in what you do even though the thought of cutting up paper to make a theme page seems rather odd and time consuming. Have an opinion and know when to use it, sometimes I don't want one I just want to be heard but other times I really need some input. **;

Guess that about sums it up. I do however believe that none of this can happen in one person, you need to have a group or a few that can fit these "wants" or even "needs".

[Lisa S]

What a good question. I don't have many friends, but the friends that I have are long time friends. I'm friendly with a lot of moms at school, but I don't have the time that I'd like to develop stronger ties with them.

My friends:

Are kind. I don't bother with petty people.

Are interesting. I love it when people have quirky little things about them that don't fit with the rest of their personality. My husband is a long haired musician who has never done drugs and is a republican. One of my best friends seems scattered, but she's a fantastic artist. Another of my friends is a super jock, but she cans food and does needlepoint.

Have similar core values to me. I'm not religious. I have some friends who are and some who aren't ~ so that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about honesty and love of family.

Have a sence of humor. But humor equates to intelligence with me, so intelligence is in there too. I love to talk about books that I've read or deep thoughts to share. I love it when I can laugh with a friend. I love a good sence of the silly!

Have a youthful spirit. I like people who listen to new music, swing on a rope swing, go sledding with their kids...

Other than the core values thing, I don't really have friends that are "just like me". I know me and how I think. While I like myself pretty much, I really enjoy getting to know someone that brings a fresh viewpoint to the table. It's interesting. I always learn something from my friends. If the basics are there to establish a friendship, the little piddly stuff isn't very important to me.

I think I've described a lot of you guys!

[ChapterTwo]

Friends are THERE for each other, no matter what! I'm lucky enough to have friends from every period of my life...there's my oldest friend, whom I've known since we were TEN, then the friend from my first real job when I was in my twenties, one friend from when our kids were really little, and another from when our kids were young teens.

Life sometimes takes our friends out of our neighborhood...one of mine has moved to Florida, and another to Pennsylvania. But it really doesn't matter, because between e-mail and the phone, we're always in touch anyway! And when we DO get together, face-to-face, it's like no time has passed - we pick up right where we left off.

I think kindness tops my list of "must haves" in a friend. After that, they need to have a great sense of humor, intelligence and a young-at-heart spirit!

[dedavis]

Friends can be ANYBODY--old, young, male, female. I tend to have long-term friends and we've been through a lot together. Two of my best friends now are guys. We share a northern European temperament, which can be rather depressed. Fortunately we are not all down at the same time. These guys brought me food last winter when I was sick. We've gotten one guy through a horrible breakup. And we can really get each other laughing. And we don't enable each other's b******t.

My women friends are all strong, outdoorsy, hilarious. And creative and smart. There's a lot of mutual support for doing work that is "non-traditional" for women.

Laughter is a common theme here. Help and support. And honesty, and being true to yourself.

Deb

[Memmey]

I am having a friend issue right now and I have had to to think about this already so to see C/D's post is so timely.
Here is what I need and what I hope to give to a friend.

I need a ear, you don't have to solve my problems but let me give a little of them away and if I can say them out loud then I can probably solve them myself.

Let me be me and not mini-me of you. We don't have to be just alike to like each other. If I don't like clutter and you do , I don't care. That why there is chocolate and vanilla. No one is right or wrong, just different.

If I say I can't do something then don't try to talk me into it. No should mean no and no one's feelings should get hurt if you respect the other person's space.

It's OK to do things with other friends. Not everything single thing I do is gonna include you and I don't expect you to include me in everything you do. It doesn't mean that I don't like you but I like alot of people and I want personal time with them also. If you get your feelings hurt then it is not fair.

If you have to cancel on me even if it's at the last minute, I won't be mad. I can't think of anything worse than to be stuck doing something that you don't want to do.

Play fair, a best friend is one you don't own. The best thing about a friend with lots of friends is getting to know them too. Too many friends is never a bad thing.

Oh my ....I have been agonizing over this for a whole 2 days now and this post is sorta cathartic.
OK the last thought from me. " A friend is person who knows all about you and likes you anyway"

[RoseMary]

Well, I have been thinking about this post for a while. Deb is right--a friend can be anyone, any age. I don't really have many friends my age, anymore~they have moved, divorced, etc. My truly best friend, is my husband. We love spending time together and don't seem to get enough time to do the things we want to do.

One of my best friend's is 82. She is my pastor's wife and one of the most interesting people that I have ever met. She is the 'life of the party' when we are in a group. She is smart, funny, sweet, sensitive, and always fun to be around. She is the best 'story teller' (a lost art) that I've ever known. She knows every antique shop, flea market and Goodwill within a hundred miles of where she lives! She is a true treasure.

I am also close to my two youngest my sisters-in-law. My husband's family has a family forum, so we are in contact daily.

I think the hardest thing about keeping friends is something that Memmey brought up~hurt feelings. Some people seem to get their feelings hurt at the drop of a hat! It really puts a damper on things. I want my friends to be loyal and accept me for who I am, not try to change me and make me like them.

So many women seem to want you to be just like them. I sometimes despair of actually meeting a true friend near my age, in my area that I would enjoy doing things with~and going to the mall every weekend is just not me!!

This post has brought to mind the old song we used to sing in Brownies: "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold."

[Evelyn]

Excellent thread I have a little bit of what everyone wrote in my friendships.....Like Chaptertwo, my friendships capture the significant phases of my life. My oldest friendship is going on 47 years....we met in kindergarten. My friends are very, very dear to me and I feel fortunate to be surrounded by so many wonderful and inspiring people.

I have friends of all ages, more women than man, but still a mix. I have an unusual living situation. My house is at the end of dead-end road. The 2 nearest homes are my friends of 15 years. We were friends first; played together many years and then intentionally became neighbors. The relationships have been rich, interesting and are forever changing..............There seemed to be a point that we all needed to reach outside of our group and develop separate friends. Then, we have come back together, while still retaining the new friends.....separately. These friendships wax and wane but I know they will endure my lifetime.

Laughter is essential. Those that I see most often all share some common values: a love of nature & a committment to living responsibly.

Rosemary, I remember that Brownie's song!!! It has a timeless message.

Evelyn

[cheapdiva]

Boy, it is amazing to hear what we all think of as friend "qualities" and we all seem to have a constant in wanting someone who accepts us as we are.
Personally, I am trying a little harder each day to accept people as I want to be accepted and trying even harder not to be judgmental - sometimes that is the toughest thing to do.

I saw a homeless guy yesterday and he was pretty nasty looking. My first thought was, "take a shower", and then I wondered how he got that way. What are his circumstances?

Some days I barely brush my teeth and wash my face and look like a schlepadinka (an Oprah word!) and other days I put on all my makeup and carefully select and outfit to present to the world.

I always hope that people don't judge me either way - on my bad days I hope they understand I just don't have it in me that day to "fix" myself. And on my good days, I don't want anyone to think I must be some kind of snob.

Thank God, you guys don't ever get to see me!!!!:p

[dedavis]

If you're my friend, it doesn't matter what you look like. Friends don't let friends walk around with spinach in their teeth, but other than that, you need to be yourself. That's why I like you.

My friend that I knew since first grade died a couple years ago. Our lives had gone in very different directions, but we stayed in touch. She had ovarian cancer. I didn't know how sick she was. I wanted to see her, but my marriage was ending and I had to find a place to live. She died the day after Christmas, before I could say goodbye. I sure hope she forgave me, because I haven't completely forgiven myself.

Compassion toward others is something that needs practice every day. Sometimes having compassion for yourself is even harder. Treasure and appreciate your friends...I sang that song too. It made a lovely three-part round.

Deb

[Lisa S]

Deb, you know when it's all said and done it doesn't matter that you didn't utter the words "goodbye". Love is felt so deeply. Forgive yourself. I imagine that where ever your friend is she's saying "don't be silly!".

Make new friends... one of my all time favorite songs.

[RoseMary]

Friends since first grade, Deb? She knew how you felt, no doubt about it. Forgive yourself and remember your friendship~with the joy that the two of you had together.

[dedavis]

Thanks for the kind words.

Yep, first grade. I have all the class pictures. We were never pretty or popular, but hung out together with our friend Rosemary. We all loved reading. Barbara liked monster movies and cats. The first ballet I ever went to was the one she was in--we were probably about 8. I would not have survived 8th, 9th, 10th grade without her groundedness and wit.

I have the memories. And some of her stories and poems. I'm a lot more conscious of appreciating people in the present because of Barbara's too-soon death.

Hope this isn't a thread-killer...somebody change the subject!

Deb

[Lisa S]

I think what you're saying is a very vital part of friendship... to appreciate each other while we have each other.